Learning Patience......with MYSELF

"You're not supposed to do anything.
You're free to do whatever you like."
(Jesus in The Shack)

Yes. Fencing Lesson number one billion.
What else would it be??

I sit here wondering how to go forward....
and I hear Kelly's voice in my head saying "Patience. Leigh you've got to have patience. You're not going to conquer this in a day."

Ouch.
How can someone who has known me for 2 months have me pegged so well.
Hm.
Must really be God.

So, yes. Patience. With myself especially. I don't know why I can have so much grace, patience, whatever with other people but next to none for myself. Somehow I think I need to build Rome in a day lest the world come crashing down around my ears.

Will the world come to a screeching halt if I take a deep breath, relax, just be myself and enjoy life, God and myself even with all my foibles? As long as I maintain my salvation....no.....the world will not come to a screeching halt.

I think somewhere along the way I have obtained an overdeveloped sense of urgency.
And it affects absolutely everything.

Or maybe it's the fact that in a year and two months I'll be 40.

Whatever the problem maybe I should focus on patience.
Joy in little things.
Childlikeness.
Long term vision & development.
In just all things.
Drop the "urgency" for a while that is driving me like an abused wife.

Yeah. Patience. With myself.

I'm on a journey...I'm not dashing for a destination.

I will not ever "arrive", if you will, so why not enjoy the flowers along the way and stop obsessing about "getting there."

Yeah. I really do need patience with myself.
Maybe Kelly's right.

Bouting Photos

I'm the one in the blue sweat pants on the right......

Lesson 248: Handling That Loss.....

When you get 'run through' handle the situation with grace.
Do not storm off, lose your temper, or hate your 'opponent'.
Shake his hand, acknowledge his excellent point and learn from it.

Thus says the fencing book I am reading. Oddly, I read this just last night.

And today I have been given the opportunity to walk it out in "regular" (i.e.--non-fencing) life.

Hmmmm. Almost Biblical isn't it?

Funny how much fencing really is teaching me about God, about myself, about life.

And it's a darned good thing I had "Identity" as fencing lesson #1.....

Surely You Jest....Fencing Lesson 247

Yes, there have been multiple things God has done in my heart over the past few weeks through my fencing class that I have not posted.

I think I have lost count on all the "life lessons" so I'm just picking up at 247.

Ha. 24/7. Funny. And I merely picked that number at random.

Ok. That's not the point.

Last night one of my "fencing mentors"......(these are the people that seem to repeatedly speak into my life and includes Kelly who is my coach....as well as Mike & Jason, two fencing buddies).....so my fencing mentor Mike asked me if I was planning to participate in the KCFC Tournament next weekend to which I responded with a resounding "no!"

Not to be thwarted he ended up pulling out of me the fact that I did not want to lest I make a fool out of myself. (I mean, really, how good could I possibly be after a month and 1/2???) He observed that this was not a good enough reason. So, I finally acquiesced.

On the way home I was praying/thinking this through. And it was revealed to me that I was buried under a performance anxiety. That I felt my acceptance is based on how well I do. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't...but I cannot base my life on it either way.

Well, Fencing Lesson 247 "you need to deal with basing your acceptance in the eyes of others on your performance" blended together with "where do I base out of" Lesson 456.

Larry has been telling me for months that he thought the Lord was just giving me a choice about where to live & base out of. I just flat out did not believe him. This week two separate people came to me and said the Lord told them to let me know He was giving me a choice. I could leave and all He had for me would come to pass (i.e. -- He would prosper me) or I could stay and He would prosper me. It was totally my choice.

Well, I flipped. I was completely overwhelmed. And I realized I did not trust myself to make the right decision. Or even a good decision. I have always just done what He asked me to do. Now He was trusting me to decide? No way. Then I got to thinking...."why not? What am I worried about?" And I realized I thought if I made the wrong decision He might not love me anymore. Ouch. More "performance anxiety."

So, last night I have this dream. And in the dream the person representing the Father looked at me and said "Leigh, do you have any idea how much you are loved?" And I awoke and had to honestly say.....No. I don't have any idea how much I am loved." Not by God, not by anyone. Especially by God.

So. Yes. Performance based acceptance. The fear that I will not be loved or will be abandoned if I am not good at something. Or everything.

Looks like I'll be grubbing into that with God this week.

Yee haa.

I can only imagine what the tournament will be like with God using it to heal my heart.
Scary. I hope I don't get sick to my stomach.....

And y'all are all probably wondering what I'm going to choose, eh?? :)

Like A Kid on Christmas Morning.....

I got my new fencing gear before class on Tuesday night.
I was so excited, like a 6 year old on Christmas morning.

I love having a sense of wonder in life again.
Oh what a gift from the Father above! :)

Anyway....here are some pics for those of you who want to know how....uh.....interesting it all looks.

Kansas City Just Sort of "Snuck Up On Me"....

I was driving along Grandview Rd last week, went over a bridge and looked out over the "view" of Bannister Rd and thought "Kansas City is beautiful, I love it here."

My next thought was more along the lines of "dear God in heaven, when did I start liking Kansas City?"

And so, I am paralyzed with indecision.

Never in my life have I been so unsure of what to decide. It's usually so obvious whether or not I should leave. Normally someone hates me, or I am being abused in one of many forms, or the ministry I am with is dissolving or something equally bad. But nothing that obvious is happening. And thankfully so, I might add.

The question constantly arises for me lately, "what is there about basing overseas that I cannot have here?" And the answer is: next to nothing. Thus, I could so easily talk myself into staying in Kansas City. I could list the benefits ad nauseum.

I do very much still feel called to several things: helping with Houses of Prayer in Muslim countries through YWAM and IHOP-KC, teaching, working with young people. These are things though that I can do out of Kansas City just as easily as I can out of any other nation.

And I have to be honest in admitting I like being with my friends at IHOP. I like the friendships I am making at the Fencing Center. I like being near enough to TN and NC and GA to go visit friends and loved ones on occasion.

We have plowed so much ground here in Kansas City. By way of relationships and the growth of our own lives in God. I do not want to treat that lightly. 50% of the IHOP, at least, knows the gruesome details of my life and they have never rejected me, yeah have loved and stood in with me through thick and thin.
That's massive!!

Selfish? I don't know. Maybe.
But I'd tell anyone else that their heart being alive really mattered.
Does not mine also then??

And I keep thinking of the verse about gaining the whole world and losing your soul. I have zero desire to "lose my soul", as it were. Where am I most likely, then, to "keep my soul/heart alive" AND be involved in missions? Well, Kansas City, I reckon.

And to be honest, I really really really LOVE who I have become here.
I love the way my heart responds to people now.
I feel more whole and alive than I ever have when I have the mix of IHOP and being out doing other things as well.
I need the mix.
Yes, I need the mix.
And I think that cuts both ways...
.....I need to travel to Muslim nations, work in Disaster Relief, etc....
..... but I also need to be at the IHOP-KC......

Here is the cry of my heart.

But we are still praying for clear direction.....

Finding the Hardwood Floors...

I (with LarryBoy's permissions in case something went wrong that he would have to fix!) pulled up the carpet in the livingroom and discovered really nice hardwood floors. :)

I love hardwood floors!!!!!

Didn't it turn out amazing?????

Two Arabic Courses....

LarryBoy and I are still deeply involved in our Arabic classes.

We are blessed to have to opportunity to be involved in 2 classes. One is still on Sunday mornings at the Islamic Center and the other is on Saturday afternoons at the IHOP.

It's a really helpful mix to be studying the language and culture with Arabic Muslims and then also with Arabic Christians. We are getting "all" the cultural angles this way which, we hope, will help us a wee bit in being able to relate to everyone we encounter.

At the Islamic Center we (ok, I) am still required to wear acceptable covering but among the Christian Arabs I am relieved to know I can just dress in jeans and a regular shirt. For the long sleeves and head covering are a bit hot in August!!! :)

Here is a picture on myself and two IHOP friends at the Islamic Center entryway (where you store your shoes) before class.....