New Fencing Blog

If you are interested in my fencing blogs go to:

http://playingwithswords.blogspot.com/

This is where the majority of my blogging will be these days.....

Ephesians 6 - - A Little Too Much Fencing Fun

Take up the full armor of God, so you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins (put on your protective knickers) with truth,

and having put on the breastplate (chest protector) of righteousness

and having shod your feet (fencing shoes!!) with the preparation of the gospel of peace

in addition to all, learning to parry with faith with which you will be able to deflect all of the attacks of the evil one

and take the helmet (mask) of salvation











and the sword (epee!) of the Spirit......














and with all prayer and petition pray at all times......

Do You Have Any Idea How Much You're Loved? Blog #3 for Today...

Earlier, when I was crying in the bathroom...(yes, here at work)....I was begging God to tell me again if this is where He wants me.

I have just been so jacked up since Monday night....like the wind went out of my sails....
I came so close to just quitting fencing.
(thus I probably need to look at why that conversation affected me so much. I think that is the moment when I started to feel like "I am incapable. I cannot do this what's the point." Hmmmm.
I will come back to that in a moment.

Anyway. Back to my request to God.
I asked Him to please send someone to tell me I am supposed to do this.

About an hour later, Jesika Willard comes by the office.
She walks right up to me and asked how fencing was going.
I responded that it was going very well.
Thus she had NO IDEA what was going on in my head.
So she said "You are a fighter and you won't give up. I can see that about you."
Whoa.
And she said this in reference to me fencing.
What is the deal here that God so wants me to fence, yeah, so allows me to fence??

So that was a sure encouragement.

Which got me to thinking about a few other things.....

Like when Selenia came up to my office in July and said "the Lord says because you have been faithful in a place you did not want to be...put your running shoes on."
At the time I had no idea what that meant exactly.
Was I going somewhere???
Now I wonder...was it literal? Like was I going to get involved in a sport??

Then I remember my dream about the green knickers:

* I am dressed in my fencing knickers (fencing pants FYI) that I have just put on and am putting on my fencing socks.
* I know that Kelly (my coach, as you know if you keep up with my blog) has given the knickers and socks to me.
* I am intrigued and excited that my knickers and socks are a deep green. Really really beautiful green. And the knickers have little flecks of other color in them, red. But just little scattered flecks.
* As I am mesmerized & delighted by the green I am relieved as I said to myself "and I thought we were only supposed to wear white."

END DREAM

Finally I am reminded of a dream had sometime in the summer....
I was walking through a field with someone and I hear a Voice ask me "Leigh, do you have any idea how much you're loved?"
I woke up weeping saying "no. I don;t have any idea."

But days like today and nights like last night when friends are standing in with me and pouring into me. And God is sending me people to encourage me to stay with fencing....
...well....I look at it and think....."wow, I am loved."

Is this part of the point???

Fencing Lesson Number Three Billion or so: Chipping Away... (CONTINUED)

As I continue to cry and mull today.....

It suddenly hit me that on Monday I wrote a blog on "voluntary weakness" saying that this was going to rip open another round of healing.

Funny. I didn't expect it to be 48 hours later.

There is comfort in the fact that this isn't random but when I stop to think about it I did know it was coming.

With a huge puddle of tears in the bathroom floor I have gotten to the core "thoughts", "lies", "problem". Now I just need to find the time to deal with it.

I finally got to the point where I could allow the thoughts of my heart to surface.
I allowed myself to go back and feel what I was feeling on the piste last night and up rose these:
1. "I am incapable."
2. "I am not good enough."
3. "I cannot do this so why bother?"

That's what I'm dealing with.
A confidence issue.
huh. That just hit me.
It's totally a confidence issue....or lack of it.....based in the above negative thoughts.

And as I sit here and think I realize that the lack of confidence based in the feeling of being less than can be exacerbated by two factors: intimidation and lack of understanding.

In ANY task or position or whatever, if I am sure of myself/comfortable/confident and therefore unintimidated all is well. Very well. And I can shine and stand my ground etc against any odds or any adversity. IF I AM CONFIDENT.

Actually I have seen this in fencing too. If I am sure of a drill (i.e. - confident) I can pull it off with no problem. What anyone else may or may not think does not affect me. The above thoughts do not even show themselves.

But heaven help me if I am unsure, insecure, uncomfortable.
I pull back, close off, come down on myself and so forth.

Huh.

So it's a confidence issue. For sure.
Now where have I gotten so pounded on emotionally that I have lost confidence?
I was never like this pre-Kansas City......

Anyway. It really makes me think of a quote I have hanging in the bathroom "Anything worth doing is worth doing even poorly."

Fencing Lesson Number Three Billion or so: Chipping Away

Conquer it, kill it, drag it home for supper.
Like a neanderthal caveman that's how I'm approaching my fencing these days.
Like it's something to be overcome and trophied as opposed to something to be enjoyed.

Why?

I lost my temper last night
And more than just throwing my mask on the floor. (see previous blog)
I was so frustrated with fencing, actually with myself in regard to fencing.
But I know, as did Mike, that this is not about fencing.
It never is.
It's something that is deep in there that must come out to be healed.
And God is using fencing to bring it out of me while Mike & Kelly, bless their hearts, are forced to watch.

As I thought all night (yes, it was so bad I only got about 3 hours of sleep)....
.....so.....
as I thought all night I realized this is a big conglomeration of all the things that have surfaced in my heart over the past few months.
And it boils down to a lack of a sense of value and worth.
As if I always have to be really good, or really understand, or have the right degree, or have a clean past or whatever to be accepted and allowed into the "club."
I have seen this so much that now I instinctively think every situation carries this weight.

I must conquer it, kill it, drag it home, display it as a trophy on my wall and then I will be seen as acceptable.

I must never show all that I really am, maybe only the parts each person can "handle". I must never lose my temper, I must never do anything wrong. I must be perfect or I will not be loved. I must not have a past for even if I deal with it I will always be "tainted." I must never have a personality conflict for that means you are shut out for we have no capacity to love through differences and work them out.... You must be good at everything and understand all that I tell you for if not the communication error is on your side for no one else is ever wrong.

On and on and on I have seen it. I have had it come against me. And, sadly, it's mostly been from the church. Which had tainted my view of God as well.

So, here I am. In a place of weakness, intentionally having put down my walls with Mike, Kelly and Jason (who has since moved to DC) so that I can be fully seen, fully known because I trust them. And with good reason. (Poor them.)

That voluntary weakness that I hope is going to help me be stronger.....and it probably will.
But now the weakness needs to lead me into a place of healing.

So I crawl into my heart and ask:
"what is the root of this feeling of needing to prove myself?"
"why has something that I love become something I have to overcome?"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE EMOTIONAL BLOCK THAT WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO LET GO AND ENJOY????"

Why does it have to be perfect?
Why are we back around to the same questions of so many previous blogs?
Why do I have to get everything right?

Because reality dictates, experience tells me, if I don't....it'll be a mess....one way or another.
And I am finally very selfish, I guess. I'm weary. Weary of being hurt. Weary of having to be perfect. Weary of having to figure it all out. Weary of wondering and worrying. Just so darned weary.

I don't want to have to be perfect in fencing.
I don't even want to have to be perfect in life.
I just can't be.
But if I let go I will be "odd" or "different" or whatever the plethora of options are.
And I'm weary of that too.

Hm. Well. I don't have the answer yet.
I think I understand the problem at least.
Again.

And so I will sit here, sort it out, and trust for healing.....

Fencing -- the Power of Weakness

Voluntary weakness.

Meaning...choosing to be weak in the present order to gain something greater in the future.

Last night in the fencing center this lesson came crashing on me full force.

As some may know I gave up the opportunity to move Scotland a few months back.
It was the offer of a lifetime it seemed...teaching in Scotland (I LOVE to teach young people) and traveling in and out of N. Africa doing medical work & such.

But we decided to turn it down and stay in KC. Why? I wanted to stick with my fencing. Yes, my primary reason....which flipped out my dearest friend who lives in Norway.

A seemingly strange decision. Yep. No doubt. I've wondered myself on occasion.

I could be in Europe, I could be teaching, I could be trying to get myself killed in a Muslim Country..... I could be living and walking out of my strength.

But, no. I chose to follow something that was niggling in my heart.... I wanted to fence. I had never done a sport "officially" before. (I don't think street ball with the boys in my neighborhood growing up counts). I liked the people at the club. But I was choosing to walk in my weakness.

And what on earth is the benefit of choosing weakness???

This does not come easily to me. It frustrates me. It is really hard for me at times to keep plugging along. So it has given me the chance to hang in there, to learn patience and endurance.

All sorts of things have risen up in my heart over the past 5 months that I needed to deal with and/or heal from. Choosing weakness has gained me renewal of heart.

I have learned much from Kelly and Mike and Jason, as well as others at the Center. I have had to be teachable. I have had to admit that I don't understand things. I have had to admit that I needed information repeated. It's been hard. Choosing weakness has gained me growth.

I am thinking about all of this because last night it was driven home to me that indeed I have chosen weakness. At times, therefore, frustration. I discovered that I have been walking in more weakness than I knew which is going to create another season of frustration and lessons.

Apparently the "you can't analyze this" statement (see previous blog...a few months ago) really meant "don't worry about all the mechanics" as opposed to a literal interpretation (which I took since I'm a literalist when it comes to non-playful communication) of "don't analyze" i.e. "don't think." As much as I adore Kelly I swear I wanted to scream when I realized I had totally misunderstood her. (not her fault mind you, but mine. I should have asked for the explanation months ago...) And as I much as I love fencing and am not sorry for my choice I have never come so close to quitting.

So, as I embark upon re-learning to think after spending months learning not to think, and I sit here reminding myself...this is voluntary weakness.

Choosing to be weak now will produce strengths in me later.
On all kinds of levels.
Maybe even figuring out how to fence!!

And in the very least on the important relational level.
For now I can relate to others in their weakness when it comes to this.

Like the young man who was nervous and said "this is not like anything I've ever done before."
To which I smiled and responded "I know, honey. It's not like anything I've ever done before either. But as long as you think it's cool, you'll make it ."

And we fenced.
Two weak people on a journey to become stronger....

Oh Yes. Another Fencing Lesson.....Sort Of....

This is a photo of my dear precious friend Jessica. Taken in Colorado and forever hanging on my wall to remind me that life should be lived from the heart.

Wait? Didn't we already have this lesson?

Yes, But sometimes I need a lesson more than once before I "get it".

For the first time in my life I find myself loving something just for the sake of loving it.
Note that I said something not someone...for I always want to love my friends just for the sake of loving them, not for what they can offer. But I have never let myself go with an activity. So this fencing thing has really got me snowed.

I never thought I would love it.
And at my age I can't really go very far with it.
But I catch myself wondering "how far can I go?" and "what are my options for being involved in this world? Can I ever fence well or referee or even coach?"
And I rather want to explore the possibilities.
Well, just because I can.

It's exciting to be digging into a world I have never really been involved with before.
This Wide, Wide World of Sports.

So, in a need to re-calibrate and honestly decide how I wanted to give myself to this desire....
....or IF I am really supposed to be giving myself to it....
....or whatever....
I wandered off to one of my silent thinking places.
A monastery.

I sat alone in the quiet sanctuary.
Silence.
Impregnated silence that practically spoke.
And a fly buzzing in the windowsill that kept making me think I was about to step into Narnia.

Several things happened.
1. In the silence my heart rose up and admitted that I really want to delve into this world.
2. I was reminded of my green knickers dream....I was being given LIFE through this.
3. As I sat there praying I flipped open a book at random that I had brought to read and saw two quotes: "Listen to the heart, it interprets His will in everything that happens" and "Conventions, if followed too closely, restrict talent." Both of which meant somethign to me.
4. I was walking in the hallway and a monk stopped me and asked if I was Catholic to which I asnwered "no". He said "that's ok. I want you to read this. It's about a friend of mine who kept bees. Did you know bees don't come out in the winter? Take this and read it in the daylight."
Odd. And the little paper was a story about patience and the fact that there are no coincidences in life.

Interesting, all. For sure.

It would take too long to explain here but it seemed to reveal that fencing is indeed where I am intended to be. How all of that looks I have no idea. But that's ok. Patience, as Kelly always tells me. And enjoy the journey. I have been. My intensity by way of personality causes "enjoy" to look like hyper-active fun on one day and foundation-laying research on another at times. But I am still enjoying.

So, yes, I'm back around to a previous blog on a previous fencing lesson: living from the heart.

Maybe I'll get a little closer to doing that now! ;)

What If I Really Gave Myself To This...?

The question I have been mulling over all day.

Actually, the question I have been mulling over since the Holiday Tournament almost a month ago.

But last night it came glaringly to the surface and is begging an answer.

And of course, in searching for the answer, I have uncovered a spot in my soul that I would rather not look at. Ugh. Here we go again. Some days I hate my "fencing healing moments" yet I know that if I rip the band-aid off and engage them I will feel better later....

so......

I cannot recall what led into this conversation last night but somehow I ended up answering something Mike said with a decision to "be serious." I whined a bit (yes, it was a hormone day too) making the observation that I had engaged more seriously 2 days last week and although I did well it wasn't near as much fun.

Nevertheless, I focused down and beat Mike 5-0. I asked if I could go back to playing again and sort of did and the next bout landed in Mike's favor 5-4.

Now, granted, I am aware of the fact that Mike probably was going easy on me because he wanted to draw me out. Yet at the same time I never get 5-0 on Mike regardless.

Internally I was focused, confident and just did what I thought I could do. Then I backed off after that bout.

Yet inside I was asking myself "what if I let go and really gave myself to this?".

But something inside of me still won't.

A decision has to be made nevertheless. I have laid my foundation, I have walked through and gotten a grip on enough information and such that I could start from scratch and engage it all from a different angle....so now I am at the cross-roads....do I want to only play and exercise for years or do I want to give myself to this?

Not that it would be the only thing in my life. I mean, really, I'm not talking shooting for the Olympics here.....but I wonder....what could I do?? Is there any potential in me at all?

Do I dare to try and find out???

Then something in me locks down. I realize that up until this point I didn't dare. I didn't want to know. I assumed there was no potential and I have stayed in my "figure it out, get a foundation stage". Which is normal for me when I start something new and it's not a bad thing.

But now what? Do I want to stay always in that stage? And why do my insides freeze up thinking about reaching out further?

I thought much and cried much today as I started to understand why I am afraid.

The foundation laying stage alone has been tough. This is the first official sport I have ever been in. I mean, heavens, I don't even know how to stretch. The learning curve has been huge. Not to mention just the fact that I have to struggle hard to translate information into physical action. It doesn't come easy for me.

But that's nothing compared to this moment....this realizing that I am afraid to lay hold of something that I love simply because I am worried that it will be taken from me at some level if I do.

I'm thinking that's it simpler to keep my cards tight to my chest and not take the chance of losing what I have.

I am enjoying myself. I'm not doing too terrible. I very much enjoy the people there. So, why risk and really let my heart go into it?

Why do I believe that anything I love will be snatched away from me?

Why am I guarding my heart still?

I have to give myself the mercy of realizing I am not guarding it like I did 4 months ago. Yet at this crossroads I see that I have not totally let it open either.
I so fear the agony of having something that matters shatter, blow up in my face or whatever.
Or engaging it fully to realize I really do suck.
THEN what?

But truly, I don't know that engaging it would make me better. Or worse.
Only more....well....engaged. More intense. More involved.
Or maybe more focused is a better word.

Yes. That would be it. More focused.

Which would change the way I approach it, engage it, etc.

Huh. Don't know. Don't even know what that would look like practically as, like I said, this is my first sport so I'm like a newborn or a toddler in it. Just trying to get a grip on what it all is...

But what I do see for sure is that I need to deal with the reality in my heart that causes me to shut things out and not be fully alive in them just because one day it might go away or I might get hurt......

Dang But This Has Been a Deep Week...

I cannot put my finger exactly on what it is.
But it has been an oddly deep week.

Not a bad one.
Not bad at all.
But like something is happening deep inside that I can't see, can't define and yet I am stirred by.
As if there were an internal shift going on inside me.
And I cannot engage it but only just "be" and let God do His God-thing, as it were.

There are moments when I just want to shake it off and get my wound-up, hyper-active side back out.
Yet I feel I may lose something if I don't just allow it.
Not that I am unhappy or not engaging with my friends.
I do engage if drawn out by someone.
But I am not instinctively outside of myself right now.
Just something deep.

If I think about it, it's like when I am learning something new.
Like a language....or fencing.
I look at it, study it, do it, bury myself in the "culture" surrounding it...
.....and then one day I stop and just sit. I let it soak in, in a sense.
I don't read, practice, talk about it or engage it in any way.
I just let it go and allow all the previous work to soak in.
And then suddenly, I settle and the change is wrought.
And I realize I have attained that "stage".
Life goes back to normal, I re-engage and keep going.

It's like that.
Only it's a God-thing.
So, I guess something I have been praying for, longing for or that God wants to do in my inner man is shifting.
I'm in a spiritual "soaking" week.
Hm.
Fun.
So, then, whatever He has wrought in me will be established and I will soon go back to "normal".

Whew. ;)

The Measure of A Life

"What is the measure of a life?"

So asks the actor in "End of the Spear" as he reflects upon the life of martyred missionary Nate Saint.

And so am I asking this morning.
By what do I measure my life?

One should never spend time in comparison that leads to condemnation.
On the other hand, it is so very good to look at the lives of others and glean from their character.

And so I was contemplating someone who has spent the last 10+ years pouring into the lives of young people.....now seeing fruit from that effort.
There is value in that. Much value in that.

I think too of Bob Jones and his death experience.
He died of a heart attack and went to heaven.
The one question the Lord asked him was "did you learn to love?"
Then he was given his earthly life back.

Interesting. The question the Lord asked was "did you learn to love?"
As if that was the measure of a life.
Did we learn to love Jesus, did we learn to love each other.
Relationship. Love.

And suddenly I find myself sitting on the floor in front of the altar.
A place I have not been for way too long.

I pick up the chalice, blow out the dust, and pour the wine.
I reach into the pink alabaster box and take a wafer.

And the tears come.
I sit before the throne of grace, the throne of mercy and I weep.
Do I even know how to love?
Oh how I long to.
My God, my God, that this would be the content of my life!

As the tears pour down my face I realize that the bread I am holding is becoming soaked.
By my tears.
Not His human tears in this moment but mine.

As I place the soggy wafer in my mouth I taste the bread that represents Him and the saltiness of the tears that came from me.
And somehow I find comfort. Perspective, if not yet wisdom.

No gold dust falls from heaven.
No angels showing up in the room with profound messages.
No burning bushes.
Instead, a silence, a relief, an ordinary piece of bread, dust and tears.
The mundane shows itself ethereal.

Love.
Maybe it's not so hard.
Maybe it really is just the giving of ourselves in the ordinary.
At times weak.
Perchance even walked out wrongly on occasion but with a sincere and pure heart.
But also with moments that are strong and perfect and salvific for others.
Yet ordinary. Mundane.
The normalness that God created infused with the heavenly that He also created.

Love.
Cups.
Dust.
Bread.
Tears.
A heart offered to others.

The measure of a life.