What If I Really Gave Myself To This...?

The question I have been mulling over all day.

Actually, the question I have been mulling over since the Holiday Tournament almost a month ago.

But last night it came glaringly to the surface and is begging an answer.

And of course, in searching for the answer, I have uncovered a spot in my soul that I would rather not look at. Ugh. Here we go again. Some days I hate my "fencing healing moments" yet I know that if I rip the band-aid off and engage them I will feel better later....

so......

I cannot recall what led into this conversation last night but somehow I ended up answering something Mike said with a decision to "be serious." I whined a bit (yes, it was a hormone day too) making the observation that I had engaged more seriously 2 days last week and although I did well it wasn't near as much fun.

Nevertheless, I focused down and beat Mike 5-0. I asked if I could go back to playing again and sort of did and the next bout landed in Mike's favor 5-4.

Now, granted, I am aware of the fact that Mike probably was going easy on me because he wanted to draw me out. Yet at the same time I never get 5-0 on Mike regardless.

Internally I was focused, confident and just did what I thought I could do. Then I backed off after that bout.

Yet inside I was asking myself "what if I let go and really gave myself to this?".

But something inside of me still won't.

A decision has to be made nevertheless. I have laid my foundation, I have walked through and gotten a grip on enough information and such that I could start from scratch and engage it all from a different angle....so now I am at the cross-roads....do I want to only play and exercise for years or do I want to give myself to this?

Not that it would be the only thing in my life. I mean, really, I'm not talking shooting for the Olympics here.....but I wonder....what could I do?? Is there any potential in me at all?

Do I dare to try and find out???

Then something in me locks down. I realize that up until this point I didn't dare. I didn't want to know. I assumed there was no potential and I have stayed in my "figure it out, get a foundation stage". Which is normal for me when I start something new and it's not a bad thing.

But now what? Do I want to stay always in that stage? And why do my insides freeze up thinking about reaching out further?

I thought much and cried much today as I started to understand why I am afraid.

The foundation laying stage alone has been tough. This is the first official sport I have ever been in. I mean, heavens, I don't even know how to stretch. The learning curve has been huge. Not to mention just the fact that I have to struggle hard to translate information into physical action. It doesn't come easy for me.

But that's nothing compared to this moment....this realizing that I am afraid to lay hold of something that I love simply because I am worried that it will be taken from me at some level if I do.

I'm thinking that's it simpler to keep my cards tight to my chest and not take the chance of losing what I have.

I am enjoying myself. I'm not doing too terrible. I very much enjoy the people there. So, why risk and really let my heart go into it?

Why do I believe that anything I love will be snatched away from me?

Why am I guarding my heart still?

I have to give myself the mercy of realizing I am not guarding it like I did 4 months ago. Yet at this crossroads I see that I have not totally let it open either.
I so fear the agony of having something that matters shatter, blow up in my face or whatever.
Or engaging it fully to realize I really do suck.
THEN what?

But truly, I don't know that engaging it would make me better. Or worse.
Only more....well....engaged. More intense. More involved.
Or maybe more focused is a better word.

Yes. That would be it. More focused.

Which would change the way I approach it, engage it, etc.

Huh. Don't know. Don't even know what that would look like practically as, like I said, this is my first sport so I'm like a newborn or a toddler in it. Just trying to get a grip on what it all is...

But what I do see for sure is that I need to deal with the reality in my heart that causes me to shut things out and not be fully alive in them just because one day it might go away or I might get hurt......

Dang But This Has Been a Deep Week...

I cannot put my finger exactly on what it is.
But it has been an oddly deep week.

Not a bad one.
Not bad at all.
But like something is happening deep inside that I can't see, can't define and yet I am stirred by.
As if there were an internal shift going on inside me.
And I cannot engage it but only just "be" and let God do His God-thing, as it were.

There are moments when I just want to shake it off and get my wound-up, hyper-active side back out.
Yet I feel I may lose something if I don't just allow it.
Not that I am unhappy or not engaging with my friends.
I do engage if drawn out by someone.
But I am not instinctively outside of myself right now.
Just something deep.

If I think about it, it's like when I am learning something new.
Like a language....or fencing.
I look at it, study it, do it, bury myself in the "culture" surrounding it...
.....and then one day I stop and just sit. I let it soak in, in a sense.
I don't read, practice, talk about it or engage it in any way.
I just let it go and allow all the previous work to soak in.
And then suddenly, I settle and the change is wrought.
And I realize I have attained that "stage".
Life goes back to normal, I re-engage and keep going.

It's like that.
Only it's a God-thing.
So, I guess something I have been praying for, longing for or that God wants to do in my inner man is shifting.
I'm in a spiritual "soaking" week.
Hm.
Fun.
So, then, whatever He has wrought in me will be established and I will soon go back to "normal".

Whew. ;)

The Measure of A Life

"What is the measure of a life?"

So asks the actor in "End of the Spear" as he reflects upon the life of martyred missionary Nate Saint.

And so am I asking this morning.
By what do I measure my life?

One should never spend time in comparison that leads to condemnation.
On the other hand, it is so very good to look at the lives of others and glean from their character.

And so I was contemplating someone who has spent the last 10+ years pouring into the lives of young people.....now seeing fruit from that effort.
There is value in that. Much value in that.

I think too of Bob Jones and his death experience.
He died of a heart attack and went to heaven.
The one question the Lord asked him was "did you learn to love?"
Then he was given his earthly life back.

Interesting. The question the Lord asked was "did you learn to love?"
As if that was the measure of a life.
Did we learn to love Jesus, did we learn to love each other.
Relationship. Love.

And suddenly I find myself sitting on the floor in front of the altar.
A place I have not been for way too long.

I pick up the chalice, blow out the dust, and pour the wine.
I reach into the pink alabaster box and take a wafer.

And the tears come.
I sit before the throne of grace, the throne of mercy and I weep.
Do I even know how to love?
Oh how I long to.
My God, my God, that this would be the content of my life!

As the tears pour down my face I realize that the bread I am holding is becoming soaked.
By my tears.
Not His human tears in this moment but mine.

As I place the soggy wafer in my mouth I taste the bread that represents Him and the saltiness of the tears that came from me.
And somehow I find comfort. Perspective, if not yet wisdom.

No gold dust falls from heaven.
No angels showing up in the room with profound messages.
No burning bushes.
Instead, a silence, a relief, an ordinary piece of bread, dust and tears.
The mundane shows itself ethereal.

Love.
Maybe it's not so hard.
Maybe it really is just the giving of ourselves in the ordinary.
At times weak.
Perchance even walked out wrongly on occasion but with a sincere and pure heart.
But also with moments that are strong and perfect and salvific for others.
Yet ordinary. Mundane.
The normalness that God created infused with the heavenly that He also created.

Love.
Cups.
Dust.
Bread.
Tears.
A heart offered to others.

The measure of a life.

"Betty"

There are few things in life that cause me deep agony.
But relationships is one of them.
No, actually, relationships is the ONLY thing.

I guess because they mean so much to me.
And they are the only thing you take with you into eternity.
Life is about relationship.

So why does it seem so very hard for me to sort out at times?
Ok, most of the time.
It's either the frustration of under-engaging and closing my heart down....or.....the confusion of over-engaging. Or worse....trying to understand the middle ground. Which is where I am floundering tonight.

I have this girl whom I have known for my entire life.....
(we'll call her Betty since I don't think I actually know anyone named Betty).....

So, yes, I've known her my entire life.
In fact, I am related to her.
Through all the ups and downs of life I have been the one who has stood by her, been there to help deliver her baby, talked her through suicide situations, mediated with family members, on and on and on.
But whenever she has no need of you she vanishes.
Then she reappears suddenly acting very contrite and repentant.
And I believe her and stand in.
Then she does something else. Turns against everyone again.
An insane cycle.

Then she vanished for 5 years.
Then poof, something happens, it gets really messy, she turns on everyone then shows back up and wants to really re-engage. And seems sincere.

But for the first time in my life I am wondering if I should keep that door shut.
I am truly struggling.
I am so weary of this cycle and do not want to get pulled into being manipulated yet again.

I am one who gets raped by one of her closest friends, gets up the next day and begins working to salvage the friendship. Or has another friend turn on her and take 1/2 the church with her, and remains friends with the person. Or has someone quit talking to her for 10 years because of a conflict of belief and re-instates the relationship when they return. And etc ad nauseum.

Ok. So, I've had to learn to not be so trusting after I have ben severely wounded. Or at least severely wounded repeatedly. Not easy I assure you.

But what is the answer for THIS situation?
What does love dictate here?

I look to Scripture, the OT specifically, and see God in the prophetic books reaching out to Israel over and over and over as they reject Him until finally He turns away weeping saying things like "what have I done to you that you do not love me?" Then He puts up a boundary and lets them go until they finally have enough and sincerely turn back to Him.

I wonder, how did he know they were finally sincere?
Ok, because He's God. Right.

So, how can I know if "Betty" is finally sincere?
It appears so...but I could be unbelievably wrong.

And the dictates of love?
Well, love is to want the highest and best for the object loved even at personal cost.

The question, then, is "what is the highest and best for 'Betty'?"

If putting up a boundary is the highest thing for her then I need to do it. Even though the agony of doing so will have a price tag for me.
If truly engaging in the questioning conversation is the highest then I need to do that. Which may have an even higher price tag since the waters she wants to wade in are ridiculously muddy.
Maybe it is somewhere inbetween......

I'm not sure. But I need to find the answer and I need to find it quick.

4 Months of Life Lessons - or - Why Do I Fence?

Here I sit in my prayer nook, reflecting back over the past few months. So much growth, so much healing.

Before the Lord I am looking at my life. Thinking through the last 39 years and thinking ahead to the next 40 or so. It's a mid-life analyzation, I guess.

This morning I am mulling over my fencing class and the lessons I have learned there. Things that have totally changed my life and have set the course for my future. Who would've thought?

I think of fencing, of Jason, of Mike and especially of Kelly. People who were hand-picked by God to grab me by the hand and show me that life really does matter, that character is very important, that leaders are not all brutal but are meant to raise you up into all you can be, that friends really are there to laugh and cry with.

Four months ago, almost to the day, I was in the deep throes of God wooing me out of a season of the agony of healing from the things I had seen in life, done in life and just experienced.....both primary and secondary traumas. I had been 5 years out of life's loop, in a sense, sorting everything through, trying to figure out who I was, if anything I had ever done mattered and where to go from here. To decide Who God even was. Was He who I longed for Him to be or was it all an illusion? Was it really just legalism?

I could not seem to get enough perspective. I was mired in the sense that I did not matter, that I had given 100% and it had merely destroyed me and I had failed, that leadership was only destructive, that life was not to be lived but endured and the less I tried to engage with it the better.

So. One day, I decide I need exercise and the idea came to mind that I should try fencing. I know it was God. Zero doubt. Who sits at work thinking "I need to go work out" and decides to fence? Well, I don't. And if I doubted that day that it was God, I surely do not doubt it now!!

I call the center, set up the time for an intro class and head out to my firat one on August 12. I am terrified. On the drive there (it's in Overland Park) I keep thinking this is the dumbest thing I have ever done. Surely I will fail, people will be mean, the coach is probably a driven jerk, this cannot be God...etc etc.....to the point that I stop 1/2 there at a gas station and get sick. Wow. Off to a great start.

I survived though. I survived way beyond the first lesson. I have now even survived my first tournament. No, not survived, thoroughly enjoyed.

Why? What happened in those 4 months?

Well. There is Kelly. She is the only person, ever in my entire life, that I have chosen to emulate. She has character like I have never seen and a heart of gold to match it. Not to mention that massive angel that stands guard over her. He's pretty cool too. I see God in her on so many levels that are way beyond the time that I have to write today. I fence partly because of all that I am learning under her leadership. No, coaches are not jerks. Leaders do not always wound you. Character really does matter. Living it and passing it on is important. Pouring into people does matter. All of these things Kelly has shown me because she not only says them but she lives them. She has taught me to have patience with myself, to give 100% even if it's wrong, to step out and just try even if it's not perfect, that's it's ok to fail but grow from it.....she has given me life lessons that I needed. And she has shown me mercy, tenderness and compassion. Kelly walks out the heart of God. I look at her, the ways she acts ans the things she does and I see God. How many times I have left that club saying "So, that's what you're like God! That's You. Your heart is like that!" God hand-picked Kelly because He knew she could do the job He had for her. And He poured through her to bring me back alive again. He knows she is like Him. Kelly has the Hand of God resting on her life. She has the call on her life to be a deliverer, to set free the hearts of men. And she does.

I could wax eloquent on this forever.....you should hear the cool things God thinks about her....but.....

There is also Mike and there is Jason. My "brothers" who were also hand-picked by God. Indeed it was no accident that I landed in this fencing club with these people.

Mike, Mr. Pastoral, has handed me back value above all else. No matter what I do or say, no matter how much I freak out, there's Mike encouraging me that I can do it, treating me no differently than the day before. Through his eyes I have seen that I am more capable than I thought. Even when I stand there and tell him he's wrong that I really do suck at this, he looks right at me and tells me it's not true. He encourages me that I'm better than I think and that I really should stop thinking so lowly of myself. God has poured through Mike to show me that no matter what happens, I matter. I have value. I have something to contribute no matter how small it may seem and I should not despise that. I can act as stupid as I want to and I am still accepted. I will not be rejected. Mike has shown me what friendship looks like. Yes, there is a strong pastoral call there. Mike was created to shepherd hearts, to build them back up. And he's good at it!

And Jason, the man of Justice. Yes, Jason too is like God. The side of God that fights for us on one hand, showing strength and a desire for justice, and loves us on the other hand. A fighter who is ever tender with those He is fighting for. That's Jason. When I'm hurt or confused from a bout, the pressure of a tournament or the memory of communist guerrillas coming after me in Colombia, Jason is the one coming over, offering to beat up the people who are being mean to me while he hugs me and tells me I am loved anyway. It pours strength into you by letting you know that you're covered and protected.

And no, it's not that these 3 are perfect, I'm not delusional and that would be terrible pressure on them!!! Good heavens no, they are not actually God. And, for the record, it's not just the aspects of God that has caused me to love them all so deeply. And love them deeply I do. No, I enjoy who they are as people. Wonderful, wonderful people who are a joy to be around. Even Kelly when she's crabby is still a delight to be around. ;) They laugh, play, make mistakes (and clean them up well!!!), have bad days, etc.
They are very human yet there is a light shining in each of them that is so heavenly. They're just humans that are made in His image. Hey! Like me! Maybe I really can be one of the cool kids too!!! ;)

And, finally, there is just the fencing itself. Trying my hand at something I love while my whole personality, good, bad, extreme comes out. And then I apply what I learn to life as well. And I grow. And I see. I change. And I am coming alive. I like life. It's good.......

And I have fallen in love with the sport itself. I devour everything I can get my hands on (even though it takes me a long time to really understand it or apply it). That is a result of healing too. Specifically that basketball game with Kelly. (but that's another blog.....which are listed below).....

For all of these reasons I am able to start stepping into other things as well. Things that I never dreamed I could ever have the strength, passion, desire or capability to ever do again. I thought life was over. It wasn't.

It's because of Kelly and Mike and Jason and fencing that I can consider working with victims of human trafficking without thinking I will jack them up more. It's because of them that I can consider going on raids and maybe getting shot at again and I am not afraid.

So. Why do I fence?
For all these reasons and just because I love it.

Something like when Eric Liddell said of his running: "I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're curious.....and really want to get into the reality and rawness of my heart.....here are the fencing blogs I have written along the way: you'll have to "copy and paste" ......

1. (very first fencing blog): http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/08/fencing-inner-healing.html

2. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/08/en-garde.html

3. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/09/like-kid-on-christmas-morning.html

4. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/09/surely-you-jestfencing-lesson-247.html

5. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/09/learning-patiencewith-myself.html

6. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/10/is-this-what-mercy-looks-likeanother.html

7. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/10/for-joy-of-itfencing-lesson.html

8. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/10/basketball-inner-healingbut-at-fencing.html

9. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/11/lessons-in-living-from-heart.html

10. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/11/just-rawness.html

11. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-if-i-really-gave-myself-to-this.html

12. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2009/01/fencing-power-of-weakness.html

And He Killed a Lion on a Snowy Day (I Chron 11:22) ;)

Holiday Tournament 2009

One Touch Epee Tournament