Conquer it, kill it, drag it home for supper.
Like a neanderthal caveman that's how I'm approaching my fencing these days.
Like it's something to be overcome and trophied as opposed to something to be enjoyed.
Why?
I lost my temper last night
And more than just throwing my mask on the floor. (see previous blog)
I was so frustrated with fencing, actually with myself in regard to fencing.
But I know, as did Mike, that this is not about fencing.
It never is.
It's something that is deep in there that must come out to be healed.
And God is using fencing to bring it out of me while Mike & Kelly, bless their hearts, are forced to watch.
As I thought all night (yes, it was so bad I only got about 3 hours of sleep)....
.....so.....
as I thought all night I realized this is a big conglomeration of all the things that have surfaced in my heart over the past few months.
And it boils down to a lack of a sense of value and worth.
As if I always have to be really good, or really understand, or have the right degree, or have a clean past or whatever to be accepted and allowed into the "club."
I have seen this so much that now I instinctively think every situation carries this weight.
I must conquer it, kill it, drag it home, display it as a trophy on my wall and then I will be seen as acceptable.
I must never show all that I really am, maybe only the parts each person can "handle". I must never lose my temper, I must never do anything wrong. I must be perfect or I will not be loved. I must not have a past for even if I deal with it I will always be "tainted." I must never have a personality conflict for that means you are shut out for we have no capacity to love through differences and work them out.... You must be good at everything and understand all that I tell you for if not the communication error is on your side for no one else is ever wrong.
On and on and on I have seen it. I have had it come against me. And, sadly, it's mostly been from the church. Which had tainted my view of God as well.
So, here I am. In a place of weakness, intentionally having put down my walls with Mike, Kelly and Jason (who has since moved to DC) so that I can be fully seen, fully known because I trust them. And with good reason. (Poor them.)
That voluntary weakness that I hope is going to help me be stronger.....and it probably will.
But now the weakness needs to lead me into a place of healing.
So I crawl into my heart and ask:
"what is the root of this feeling of needing to prove myself?"
"why has something that I love become something I have to overcome?"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE EMOTIONAL BLOCK THAT WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO LET GO AND ENJOY????"
Why does it have to be perfect?
Why are we back around to the same questions of so many previous blogs?
Why do I have to get everything right?
Because reality dictates, experience tells me, if I don't....it'll be a mess....one way or another.
And I am finally very selfish, I guess. I'm weary. Weary of being hurt. Weary of having to be perfect. Weary of having to figure it all out. Weary of wondering and worrying. Just so darned weary.
I don't want to have to be perfect in fencing.
I don't even want to have to be perfect in life.
I just can't be.
But if I let go I will be "odd" or "different" or whatever the plethora of options are.
And I'm weary of that too.
Hm. Well. I don't have the answer yet.
I think I understand the problem at least.
Again.
And so I will sit here, sort it out, and trust for healing.....
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