As I continue to cry and mull today.....
It suddenly hit me that on Monday I wrote a blog on "voluntary weakness" saying that this was going to rip open another round of healing.
Funny. I didn't expect it to be 48 hours later.
There is comfort in the fact that this isn't random but when I stop to think about it I did know it was coming.
With a huge puddle of tears in the bathroom floor I have gotten to the core "thoughts", "lies", "problem". Now I just need to find the time to deal with it.
I finally got to the point where I could allow the thoughts of my heart to surface.
I allowed myself to go back and feel what I was feeling on the piste last night and up rose these:
1. "I am incapable."
2. "I am not good enough."
3. "I cannot do this so why bother?"
That's what I'm dealing with.
A confidence issue.
huh. That just hit me.
It's totally a confidence issue....or lack of it.....based in the above negative thoughts.
And as I sit here and think I realize that the lack of confidence based in the feeling of being less than can be exacerbated by two factors: intimidation and lack of understanding.
In ANY task or position or whatever, if I am sure of myself/comfortable/confident and therefore unintimidated all is well. Very well. And I can shine and stand my ground etc against any odds or any adversity. IF I AM CONFIDENT.
Actually I have seen this in fencing too. If I am sure of a drill (i.e. - confident) I can pull it off with no problem. What anyone else may or may not think does not affect me. The above thoughts do not even show themselves.
But heaven help me if I am unsure, insecure, uncomfortable.
I pull back, close off, come down on myself and so forth.
Huh.
So it's a confidence issue. For sure.
Now where have I gotten so pounded on emotionally that I have lost confidence?
I was never like this pre-Kansas City......
Anyway. It really makes me think of a quote I have hanging in the bathroom "Anything worth doing is worth doing even poorly."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment