"Betty"

There are few things in life that cause me deep agony.
But relationships is one of them.
No, actually, relationships is the ONLY thing.

I guess because they mean so much to me.
And they are the only thing you take with you into eternity.
Life is about relationship.

So why does it seem so very hard for me to sort out at times?
Ok, most of the time.
It's either the frustration of under-engaging and closing my heart down....or.....the confusion of over-engaging. Or worse....trying to understand the middle ground. Which is where I am floundering tonight.

I have this girl whom I have known for my entire life.....
(we'll call her Betty since I don't think I actually know anyone named Betty).....

So, yes, I've known her my entire life.
In fact, I am related to her.
Through all the ups and downs of life I have been the one who has stood by her, been there to help deliver her baby, talked her through suicide situations, mediated with family members, on and on and on.
But whenever she has no need of you she vanishes.
Then she reappears suddenly acting very contrite and repentant.
And I believe her and stand in.
Then she does something else. Turns against everyone again.
An insane cycle.

Then she vanished for 5 years.
Then poof, something happens, it gets really messy, she turns on everyone then shows back up and wants to really re-engage. And seems sincere.

But for the first time in my life I am wondering if I should keep that door shut.
I am truly struggling.
I am so weary of this cycle and do not want to get pulled into being manipulated yet again.

I am one who gets raped by one of her closest friends, gets up the next day and begins working to salvage the friendship. Or has another friend turn on her and take 1/2 the church with her, and remains friends with the person. Or has someone quit talking to her for 10 years because of a conflict of belief and re-instates the relationship when they return. And etc ad nauseum.

Ok. So, I've had to learn to not be so trusting after I have ben severely wounded. Or at least severely wounded repeatedly. Not easy I assure you.

But what is the answer for THIS situation?
What does love dictate here?

I look to Scripture, the OT specifically, and see God in the prophetic books reaching out to Israel over and over and over as they reject Him until finally He turns away weeping saying things like "what have I done to you that you do not love me?" Then He puts up a boundary and lets them go until they finally have enough and sincerely turn back to Him.

I wonder, how did he know they were finally sincere?
Ok, because He's God. Right.

So, how can I know if "Betty" is finally sincere?
It appears so...but I could be unbelievably wrong.

And the dictates of love?
Well, love is to want the highest and best for the object loved even at personal cost.

The question, then, is "what is the highest and best for 'Betty'?"

If putting up a boundary is the highest thing for her then I need to do it. Even though the agony of doing so will have a price tag for me.
If truly engaging in the questioning conversation is the highest then I need to do that. Which may have an even higher price tag since the waters she wants to wade in are ridiculously muddy.
Maybe it is somewhere inbetween......

I'm not sure. But I need to find the answer and I need to find it quick.

4 Months of Life Lessons - or - Why Do I Fence?

Here I sit in my prayer nook, reflecting back over the past few months. So much growth, so much healing.

Before the Lord I am looking at my life. Thinking through the last 39 years and thinking ahead to the next 40 or so. It's a mid-life analyzation, I guess.

This morning I am mulling over my fencing class and the lessons I have learned there. Things that have totally changed my life and have set the course for my future. Who would've thought?

I think of fencing, of Jason, of Mike and especially of Kelly. People who were hand-picked by God to grab me by the hand and show me that life really does matter, that character is very important, that leaders are not all brutal but are meant to raise you up into all you can be, that friends really are there to laugh and cry with.

Four months ago, almost to the day, I was in the deep throes of God wooing me out of a season of the agony of healing from the things I had seen in life, done in life and just experienced.....both primary and secondary traumas. I had been 5 years out of life's loop, in a sense, sorting everything through, trying to figure out who I was, if anything I had ever done mattered and where to go from here. To decide Who God even was. Was He who I longed for Him to be or was it all an illusion? Was it really just legalism?

I could not seem to get enough perspective. I was mired in the sense that I did not matter, that I had given 100% and it had merely destroyed me and I had failed, that leadership was only destructive, that life was not to be lived but endured and the less I tried to engage with it the better.

So. One day, I decide I need exercise and the idea came to mind that I should try fencing. I know it was God. Zero doubt. Who sits at work thinking "I need to go work out" and decides to fence? Well, I don't. And if I doubted that day that it was God, I surely do not doubt it now!!

I call the center, set up the time for an intro class and head out to my firat one on August 12. I am terrified. On the drive there (it's in Overland Park) I keep thinking this is the dumbest thing I have ever done. Surely I will fail, people will be mean, the coach is probably a driven jerk, this cannot be God...etc etc.....to the point that I stop 1/2 there at a gas station and get sick. Wow. Off to a great start.

I survived though. I survived way beyond the first lesson. I have now even survived my first tournament. No, not survived, thoroughly enjoyed.

Why? What happened in those 4 months?

Well. There is Kelly. She is the only person, ever in my entire life, that I have chosen to emulate. She has character like I have never seen and a heart of gold to match it. Not to mention that massive angel that stands guard over her. He's pretty cool too. I see God in her on so many levels that are way beyond the time that I have to write today. I fence partly because of all that I am learning under her leadership. No, coaches are not jerks. Leaders do not always wound you. Character really does matter. Living it and passing it on is important. Pouring into people does matter. All of these things Kelly has shown me because she not only says them but she lives them. She has taught me to have patience with myself, to give 100% even if it's wrong, to step out and just try even if it's not perfect, that's it's ok to fail but grow from it.....she has given me life lessons that I needed. And she has shown me mercy, tenderness and compassion. Kelly walks out the heart of God. I look at her, the ways she acts ans the things she does and I see God. How many times I have left that club saying "So, that's what you're like God! That's You. Your heart is like that!" God hand-picked Kelly because He knew she could do the job He had for her. And He poured through her to bring me back alive again. He knows she is like Him. Kelly has the Hand of God resting on her life. She has the call on her life to be a deliverer, to set free the hearts of men. And she does.

I could wax eloquent on this forever.....you should hear the cool things God thinks about her....but.....

There is also Mike and there is Jason. My "brothers" who were also hand-picked by God. Indeed it was no accident that I landed in this fencing club with these people.

Mike, Mr. Pastoral, has handed me back value above all else. No matter what I do or say, no matter how much I freak out, there's Mike encouraging me that I can do it, treating me no differently than the day before. Through his eyes I have seen that I am more capable than I thought. Even when I stand there and tell him he's wrong that I really do suck at this, he looks right at me and tells me it's not true. He encourages me that I'm better than I think and that I really should stop thinking so lowly of myself. God has poured through Mike to show me that no matter what happens, I matter. I have value. I have something to contribute no matter how small it may seem and I should not despise that. I can act as stupid as I want to and I am still accepted. I will not be rejected. Mike has shown me what friendship looks like. Yes, there is a strong pastoral call there. Mike was created to shepherd hearts, to build them back up. And he's good at it!

And Jason, the man of Justice. Yes, Jason too is like God. The side of God that fights for us on one hand, showing strength and a desire for justice, and loves us on the other hand. A fighter who is ever tender with those He is fighting for. That's Jason. When I'm hurt or confused from a bout, the pressure of a tournament or the memory of communist guerrillas coming after me in Colombia, Jason is the one coming over, offering to beat up the people who are being mean to me while he hugs me and tells me I am loved anyway. It pours strength into you by letting you know that you're covered and protected.

And no, it's not that these 3 are perfect, I'm not delusional and that would be terrible pressure on them!!! Good heavens no, they are not actually God. And, for the record, it's not just the aspects of God that has caused me to love them all so deeply. And love them deeply I do. No, I enjoy who they are as people. Wonderful, wonderful people who are a joy to be around. Even Kelly when she's crabby is still a delight to be around. ;) They laugh, play, make mistakes (and clean them up well!!!), have bad days, etc.
They are very human yet there is a light shining in each of them that is so heavenly. They're just humans that are made in His image. Hey! Like me! Maybe I really can be one of the cool kids too!!! ;)

And, finally, there is just the fencing itself. Trying my hand at something I love while my whole personality, good, bad, extreme comes out. And then I apply what I learn to life as well. And I grow. And I see. I change. And I am coming alive. I like life. It's good.......

And I have fallen in love with the sport itself. I devour everything I can get my hands on (even though it takes me a long time to really understand it or apply it). That is a result of healing too. Specifically that basketball game with Kelly. (but that's another blog.....which are listed below).....

For all of these reasons I am able to start stepping into other things as well. Things that I never dreamed I could ever have the strength, passion, desire or capability to ever do again. I thought life was over. It wasn't.

It's because of Kelly and Mike and Jason and fencing that I can consider working with victims of human trafficking without thinking I will jack them up more. It's because of them that I can consider going on raids and maybe getting shot at again and I am not afraid.

So. Why do I fence?
For all these reasons and just because I love it.

Something like when Eric Liddell said of his running: "I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're curious.....and really want to get into the reality and rawness of my heart.....here are the fencing blogs I have written along the way: you'll have to "copy and paste" ......

1. (very first fencing blog): http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/08/fencing-inner-healing.html

2. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/08/en-garde.html

3. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/09/like-kid-on-christmas-morning.html

4. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/09/surely-you-jestfencing-lesson-247.html

5. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/09/learning-patiencewith-myself.html

6. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/10/is-this-what-mercy-looks-likeanother.html

7. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/10/for-joy-of-itfencing-lesson.html

8. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/10/basketball-inner-healingbut-at-fencing.html

9. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/11/lessons-in-living-from-heart.html

10. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/11/just-rawness.html

11. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-if-i-really-gave-myself-to-this.html

12. http://thesilentsummons.blogspot.com/2009/01/fencing-power-of-weakness.html

And He Killed a Lion on a Snowy Day (I Chron 11:22) ;)

Holiday Tournament 2009

One Touch Epee Tournament

Patience....patience

Aaarrgghhh.
I think if I hear this one more time I am going to scream.
Which shows that I need to hear it again.

I have to admit that I have never really realized my lack of patience before.
generally I have it for other people in spades....which is the most important thing.
I think?

But for myself....very little.
And for "things" (like computers or skills I want to pick up).......ZERO patience.

I see that this is very much affecting my life.
And not in a good way.

So, I am game to learn patience with things and hence, myself.
Yet, how do I go about it?
Do you just decide to have patience?
As a fruit of the Spirit can I pray that God will cause it to well up in me?
I expect that and also just choosing it as I walk life out.

Hm. Partnership. ;)

"We're not good, I guess, at this 'long obedience' thing.
We want instant access everything -- all our questions answered by return.
But life is a journey with its own pace.
There is often a process in God's dealings with us....."
(Peter Grieg Red Moon Rising)

Just Rawness

Why can I not get past this wall in my heart?

And why has God put me in a fencing class to pull out all these painful things?

I feel like a filleted fish...just all laid open in class, three times a week no less.... all my guts out there to see and everyone picking out the bones.

I know it is so good for me.
I know it is the Hand of God.
But, oh, it is so painful, so confusing at times.

Like today.

Like -- why am I angry? I am not THIS frustrated with fencing.
Like -- why can I not try and be wrong? It's as if I think the whole world will crumble if I do.
Like -- why am I afraid of my heart being so wide open? It feels panicky.
Like -- why do I feel powerless? Why do I feel like I have no voice? And that if I chose to have a voice that would be "ungodly" or "lacking in meekness?"

I feel like I want to fight everything and everyone.
And for the most part no one is actually doing anything wrong.
And so I lose a fencing bout....why do my emotions rise up like the world is ending?

It makes no sense.
And yet it makes tons of sense.

Here we go with the inner healing again.

Oh how I wish I could just go in there and try, even if I am "100% wrong."
Just make a choice and go with it.
But then the niggling voice rises up "if you're wrong it will all fall apart, someone will get hurt, you will get hurt, you cannot trust your own instincts...."

Hm. I know where THAT comes from.
And it's not fencing.
I assume I am wrong before I even start in most things.
I only try these days what I know 100% I will be able to do.
Because to fail incurs disaster in one form or another.\
And someone gets hurt.

I really really do not trust my own instincts.
Because I HAVE failed 100%.
And my world did fall apart.

How do you start over from there?

I have no idea.....

But, I do know that God is pushing the buttons.
And pushing them hard.
Really hard.

Maybe there is hope in that....

Lessons in Living from the Heart

If I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times.....

"Leigh! You are too analytical."

But I never really understood it.....

......until this past Sunday afternoon.


I mean, some things you have to analyze, right?
If you don't think it through you can't truly own it.
It doesn't become part of you.

Yes, ok.

But now I see there is a place where you go too far in thinking.
Something may be a part of you but you are not living it from the heart.
You're still stuck somewhere in your head.
Trying to get it right, or perfect or whatever.... so you have control.... or so someone does not get hurt ....or so you do not get hurt..... or whatever the issues are.
And then it is a living from the head.

I think I finally get it.
God has been taking me through a process of learning to live from my heart.
Trusting what He has placed in there.
Trusting what I have learned.
Trusting myself for goodness sake.
My instincts, my own judgment, my likes and dislikes....just trusting that what's in me is not evil.

And what was the final push that got through?
Well, fencing class of course! ;)

I was learning to do something.....well....ok....going through something I had already learned.
And I kept glitching. I was frustrated. I was tired. I didn't know why but I felt I couldn't get it right and knew that I should be able to.

Kelly, also appearing frustrated, stopped letting me go through the motions slowly and really started pushing. I got it all right at that point and was completely shot through from exhaustion. I remember standing there trying to catch my breath and off comes Kelly's mask, she looks at me and says "Stop analyzing this. You cannot think this through." And a few other words to that affect.

It went through me like an arrow to its mark: "Oh my gosh. I am not playing with my heart. I am playing in my head which is screwing up my reflexes. That's what it means to be overly analytical."

I got it.
On a thousand levels.
It cleared up a handful of fencing questions to be sure.
But more than that it cleared up alot of life questions.

I have quit allowing myself to live life from the heart.
My relationship with God, with others, with life itself has become boring, grueling, shallow, fraught with fear and concern and every other yucky thing....because I am so cerebral about it.

Relationship cannot be lived from the head. It must be lived from the heart.
Relationship with God.
Relationship with others.
Sure, you need a good foundation that you have thought through.
But that's the foundation, not the actual living. the walking out.
And, yes, living from the heart is messy and scary....but it is LIFE....it is being fully alive.

Life, in all its aspects must be LIVED from the HEART.

I get it.

Now let's see if I can let go and allow myself to do it. ;)

Basketball Inner Healing...but at the Fencing Center of course

Last night was one of the oddest nights I have had in fencing.
Hard to imagine, I know. :)






For no reason that I could put my finger upon I was just "off".
No energy. Just feeling drained.
And no reason for it.
Thus, I spent most of my night just sitting in the floor and chatting.

As I was sitting there, towards the end of class, I started getting this huge desire to play with a basketball again.

About a week and a half ago God had revealed to me that one reason I would not really engage in fencing or any other sport, among other things, was because of a basketball game that took place in Mexico in 1988.....

Flashback to 1988.....

If you have followed my blog over the years you know that something...well....way less than fun... happened to me in the summer of 1988 in Mexico when I was 18.

A few days later I was playing basketball (see picture) with a bunch of girls and could not get the ball away. So, I suddenly hauled off and punched the girl. I was so startled at my own anger and reaction that I quit and swore I would never play basketball or any other aggressive/contact sport again. And I haven't played anything but softball since even though I absolutely loved basketball.

Fast forward to 2008....

So, then Jesus revealed to me, about a week & 1/2 ago, that this incident was blocking my fencing among other things.

I had thought at 18 I was just a terrible, mean person. I did not then have the understanding that I have now. The issue obviously was not sports but just having been in a really abusive type situation and no way to process it.

So, I dealt with all those "inner vows" and went through the inner healing steps....etc.

Then I suddenly woke up at 4am yesterday morning with an overwhelming urge to play basketball.
So interesting and odd.
I lay there for an hour with adrenaline just pumping through me trying to figure out if I should get up and go find a place to play.
Finally I went to sleep.

Fast Forward to fencing last night (Thurs) ......

After fencing was over and everyone was cleaning up I asked Kelly if she had a basketball and if she minded if I played with it for about 2 minutes.
She told me to go ahead.
I went to the office, got a ball, and just started dribbling it, shooting...it was fun...I hadn't handled a basketball in 21 years...

Then Kelly caught one of my rebounds and I asked her "hey...do you want to play with me?"
And she did.
And I was able to reach into somewhere and find energy that I had not possessed all evening and gave the game (which turned into 1/2 an hour) everything I had.
I played hard.
I loved every moment of it.
I did not hit anyone.....
....and I knew I was free.

Oh the kindness and mercy of God.

Now it will be interesting to see if my ability to engage with fencing improves any! ;)

One other thing I have confirmed.....I really love sports and am sad I have shut it out of my life for so many years.

For the JOY of it....Fencing Lesson # ?????

I was in a bout with Jason last night when suddenly I heard Kelly say: "there is a direct correlation between you smiling and getting touches."

I stopped mid stride and said "really!? Well, what is it?"

She pointed out that when I was smiling, I relaxed more and actually made my touches (hits).
But when I had a serious look on my face, I didn't do well.
So, she encouraged me to just "have fun" and stop thinking about it so much.
I made some comment about being typically over analytical and soon thereafter we all went home for the night.

It was a really interesting point.
At the moment something about it just felt freeing and encouraging.
And I couldn't shake it off.

Late into the night last night I thought about it....
....and soaked in the goodness of the feelings.

Then suddenly it hit me.
It was yet another divine moment.
God was telling me something not just about fencing but about life.

This was my fencing lesson on living from the heart.

I live too much from the head. WAY too much.
And I've lost alot of the ability to live from my heart.
I have to have the formula, or the right procedure. I have to get it all right.
Ties into no mercy nor patience for myself, therefore.

But God is saying, "No!", it's not like that. I am not like that."
Breathe, live free, live from your heart...

Just live and love and do for the sheer JOY of it.....
without so much analyzation.....
without so much thinking....

JUST RELAX AND HAVE FUN.